Once upon a time I worked in the soul-crushing, endlessly fascinating world of SEO. That’s search engine optimization, a.k.a., figuring out how to make one website rank higher than another in search results. As I’ve noted before, I’m not very techie by nature so during my tenure in SEO I constantly felt like I was drowning in a sea of molasses while someone quizzed me on HTML code from shore.
The internet is a dark, murky world of analytics, insanely specific websites, and entire networks of people considered “off the grid.” I should probably install some state-of-the-art monitoring software on Modern Mouthful but…eh. WordPress does a pretty good job telling me what I’m interested in and, you guys, I started clicking around the other day and struck comedic GOLD. In the 6 months or so since I’ve been posting on ModernMouthful.com, these are the 24 most absurd, hilarious search terms someone actually typed into a search engine only to wind up on my blog. Hopefully you find them as funny as I did.
I just. Can’t.
24. anyone work at carrabba’s need lentil soup recipe Yeah, that is some good soup. Godspeed.
23. real housewives of nj tomato sauce recipe Why would you actually want this recipe? As if there aren’t hundreds of actually authentic, non-BRAVO scripted tomato sauce recipes out there?
22. mouthful recipes blogspot 2013 carrot grape juice Whoa, slow down there, Tonto. One thing at a time.
21. pan octomom HA. What were you actually looking for, exactly?
19. alliteration for dessert Not gonna be very filling.
18. family matters lemon Like, Family Matters the 1990s sitcom? Any why lemon?
17. lindsay lohan mouthful Guys. You’re gross. I know what you were going for here.
16. hot old mother SERIOUSLY GUYS. GROSS.
15. chowder jokes Whoever searched for this was likely disappointed at the lack of chowder jokes on this blog.
14. green beans good things Well, that’s true. Green beans are good things.
13. cheeto cupcake liners Are these a thing? DO THESE EXIST?!?!
12. ready made puff pastry ready made puff pastry ready made puff pastry Got it.
11. i am sorry cupcakes One guess what gender this person is.
10. belgium grocery stores awful Belgian grocery stores sell Speculoos and therefore the opposite of awful.
9. nerdy entrees What? Like, what makes one food nerdier than another?
8. i’ve thought of running away a lot more as an adult More therapy, less food blogs, probably.
7. waffle in Taiwan I’ve never been to Taiwan and was not aware they ate waffles there. Until now.
6. when you love someone …
5. crock pot with beef ribs carrots onions and chicken broth thats all ive got This sounds verbatim like something my dad would type into a search engine.
4. 70’s ready made cake mixes mix with water in tray foil Huh?
3. pitbull ate 1 lb chunk of london broil off counter Can’t help you there. Glad it was a London Broil and not a baby? I hear pit bulls can be feisty.
2. what desserts can you cook at 600 degrees Um. None. What kind of oven do you have? Are you baking on the surface of the sun?
1. ina garten is my idol I can’t even begin to describe to you the volume of Ina Garten-related search terms that link to my site. I’m now a little worried I mention her so much on this blog there may be a restraining order out on me in East Hampton.